Disclaimer: This post is specifically geared towards infant, domestic adoption. Typically, in an infant, domestic adoption, the Adoptive Parents and Expectant Parent(s) meet prior to delivery. This post will not be applicable to every adoption situation.
If you are going through the adoption process, you know very well that an important aspect following “The Match” is the first meeting between the Expectant Parent(s) and Adoptive Parents. The minute we say “meeting” to our clients, we know the sweat is starting to bead, as it can be anxiety ridden for everyone. The most common questions that we receive from our clients are, “What should we say?” “What should we NOT say?” “Can we ask about…?” AND the one we hear the most is, “What if he/she/they don’t like us?” These are all valid questions, so we want to walk you through how this meeting typically works.
First things first, the questions and anxiety that Adoptive Parents have, an Expectant Parent(s) often experience as well! Bet you didn’t think of that, did you? Those same questions that we hear from Adoptive Parents, the Expectant Parent(s)’s caseworker will often hear as well… “What if they don’t like me/us?” “What can I ask?” etc. So keep that in mind. This meeting is meant to be a positive experience for both sides. You will walk away from the meeting seeing your future child’s Birth Parent(s) and learning about them: their family, their history, their likes/dislikes, their dreams, etc. This is a memory you will have to share with your child one day, and a VERY important memory at that. So let us give you some tips as you prepare for that meeting:
-
Please do not dress like you are going to a sad, forced business meeting. Be comfortable and approachable! Dress like you are meeting a friend for lunch or dinner. Remember, your Expectant Parent(s) knows about you through your Adoption Profile Book, so you want to appear as you did in your book, personable.
-
Bring additional pictures that you did not include in your Profile Book. Have you recently gone on a vacation…recently run a ½ marathon, recently worked on your home? Bring some photos or show photos on your phone. This is always a great talking point; and you will be relaxed as it was an event, vacation, or project that you enjoy talking about.
-
Make sure that you ask the Expectant Parent(s) about their family and history. What traditions do they hold to that they would like to share with the child? Where do they get their love of music or art? This is a great segway into likes/dislikes. What are their favorite movies, foods, hobbies, activities, etc. Make mental notes of all of these things. Don’t break out the spiral notebook over your Chili’s appetizer, but as soon as you get back home, start writing it all down! Write down everything, even what food they ordered at the restaurant. This may sound trivial, but these are memories that will be important to your child one day. It should be up to him or her what is trivial to know and what is not, so write it all down!
-
Also, at the meeting, be sure to ask your Expectant Parent(s) what they would like the hospital experience to look like. This is only applicable if you are meeting the Expectant Parent(s) prior to delivery. It is important for the Expectant Parent(s) to voice their desires for the hospital. Remember, this is their plan, not yours! You may picture what you would like the hospital experience to look like; but, we are going to be blunt here…it doesn’t matter. The hospital is the Expectant Parent(s) time…their time to rest, their time to say goodbye, their time to physically heal, their time to make memories. Do not try and make it about you. This is their time, so support their “hospital plan.”
-
Bring a small gift! It can be as simple as a bouquet of flowers or a basket of pampering items. Try and make it as personal as you can. Find out your Expectant Mother’s favorite flowers or favorite lotions and your Expectant Father’s favorite book, music or sports team and select a gift accordingly. Also, if they have a child they are bringing to the meeting, bring a coloring book and crayons or a small toy as well. This small act of kindness will go a long way!
-
This is an important one…please pay for the meal. This is a simple gesture that will mean a lot, so when the waiter asks “One check or two”, say “ONE!” with enthusiasm.
-
This is the most important tip…take pictures! Your adoption caseworker or attorney will most likely be at this meeting, so have the caseworker or attorney take pictures of you altogether. When you get home, make a copy or two for the Expectant Parent(s) and send them to your agency or attorney, along with a note card stating how enjoyable the meeting was.
The meeting is a crucial part of the adoption process, but you will walk away happy that it happened. Meeting ahead of time, makes the hospital experience much smoother, as you have already met, and the pressure is off of your Expectant Parent(s), who will most likely see you next when in a hospital bed! Enjoy every part of this meeting, and don’t forget…remember every part of it.