When prospective adoptive parents receive that call, and hear the words they have been waiting to hear, there may be a flood of emotion. The adoption coordinator says, “You have been selected.” The prospective adoptive parents may question what they just heard. Really? What? We have been selected? Hope rises and then fear creeps in and then there is a dance between hope and fear. Hope wants to start working on the nursery and fear is bracing for loss.
There is a reality of failed adoption matches. A failed match is when a birth mother decides not to follow through with her adoption plan. In the state of Florida, a birth mother cannot terminate her rights or sign a consent for adoption until after the birth of her baby. She can make an adoption plan during her pregnancy and even accept living expenses from the prospective adoptive parents prior to the birth; however, she maintains the right to change her mind at any time after the birth of the baby and prior to signing the consent for adoption.
The truth is not all adoption matches end in adoption. The birth mother may have found support she did not have in the beginning. The birth father may have re-entered her life or she may decide that she is going to reach deep down and do whatever she needs to do to be able to keep her child.
When the adoptive parents receive the call and hear the matched has failed, the grieving begins. It is important to allow yourself to grieve and experience the denial, the sadness, the anger, the fear and worry, the guilt, and the acceptance. It would be nice if the stages were all in order and one knew what to expect, but they do not. Grief is some of the hardest work we will ever do; however, take the time you need to heal. Seek the support of friends, family and a counselor. Allow yourself alone time away from having to explain or answer questions.
It is the birth mother’s child and her choice. She is the one faced with the ultimate heartache. A failed adoption is only perceived that way by the prospective adoptive family and the adoption entity. For the birth mother, it is a chance to parent her child when she may have believed she could not.
When you are matched with a birth mother, it is okay to be excited and to hope, but also be prepared. If the birth mother decides to parent it is okay to be sad and disappointed. Don’t let anyone talk you out of what you are feeling, not even yourself.
Remember, when one door closes, another one will open. You will know when you are ready to knock again. It is good to hope again and feel the joy of being a match again. There is a season to cry and a season to laugh. Weeping endures for a night, but joy comes in the morning. You will survive a failed match and one day say, you were worth the wait.