As a birth mother, two of the most painful things you can go through are special occasions and holidays that pop up throughout the year. Birthdays, Christmas, and Thanksgiving are all difficult times to be reminded that your child is no longer with you to celebrate. It can be even more challenging to face these days when you have a closed adoption without contact with the new adoptive family. How can you honor the memory of your birth children without having contact with them during these special moments?
Many birth mothers struggle to find meaningful ways to acknowledge their children throughout the year. They might think of the child every single day, but those special occasions are almost unbearable when they lack a certain connection with the child. It can cause them to grieve the loss of their baby all over again. Here are a few ways that you can help to acknowledge your birth children on special occasions from the comfort of your own home.
Light a Candle
The first thing you can do to honor your child’s life during these special moments is to light a candle. This gives you a visual representation of their life right on your coffee table, your nightstand, or anywhere else that you might need some extra comfort. Say a few words over the candle as if you are speaking directly to your child. You might share with them how much you love them, how often you think about them, or how much you wish they were with you for this special moment.
It can help you to get those feelings out into the open instead of holding them all inside for an indefinite period of time. When you’re finished, you can blow out the candle and move on with the rest of your day. Some people may prefer to leave the candle burning throughout the entire day so that it feels more like their child is with them. The choice is ultimately up to you.
Keep a Journal
Some birth moms decide to keep a journal that they will give to their child later in life. Special occasions are a great opportunity to add another entry into this journal. Similar to how you might talk to the lit candle, this is a great opportunity for you to share just how much you love your child. You might also want to consider writing down the basic things that are going on in your life at this moment so that you have a record of the events that happened while the two of you were apart.
Even if you never get to give this journal to your child in the future, it is a great way to deal with your feelings of loss on a special occasion. You have a tangible reminder that you thought of your child and created something special for them.
Make a Card
Similar to keeping a journal, making a card is a creative way for you to express how you feel about your child on this special occasion. You can use construction paper and glue or purchase a store-bought card where you write a heartfelt message inside. The final quality of the card isn’t as important as the message that you write inside of it. This is another opportunity for you to share all of your feelings about the holiday or event that your child is missing. Describe it for them in great detail and include how much you wish they were going to be there with you.
When you’re finished with the card, you may want to hold onto it. Be sure to include the date that you made the card and file it away with other mementos that you save for your child. These may be something that you are able to reflect on with them one day in the future or they might be just for your benefit.
Update a Photo Book
Create a photo album that has pictures of all the special events that your child is missing over the years. After the event is over, be sure to go through and add these special pictures into the book to make a complete story from the years. If you are particularly crafty, some birth mothers choose to make their photo album like a scrapbook with creative framing, little notes, and stickers that match the occasion. Other birth mothers choose to make a plain photo book using a premade version bought at the store. Both options are beautiful ways to commemorate the moments that you wish your child could have been there with you.
Paint Your Feelings
If you really love to express yourself creatively, you may want to consider painting your feelings. Grab a canvas or some watercolor paper to paint a picture of what this moment means to you. You can paint a representation of a special moment from the day, what your child would look like if they were a part of it, or an abstract representation of your feelings. There are no wrong ways to express yourself when it comes to painting your feelings. This is a beautiful way to acknowledge your child and create something tangible all at the same time. Much like the cards and photo book, you can hold onto this painting to share with your child in the future.
Special occasions and holidays are difficult times for most birth mothers who simply wish that their child could have been with them. While they know that they made the right decision, they often struggle with a sense of grief and loss during these hard times. Having something tangible to do to acknowledge your child may help you to overcome some of these feelings and still enjoy the special moments in your life. Take a few moments to evaluate which one could work best for you and start to create a ritual that allows you to feel more connected to your child, even from a distance.